I am lying on a couch in Nantucket, Massachusetts. I am listening to Magnetic Fields "I Think I Need a New Heart" a lot lately. This song comforted me through the long, cold winter with Sean, made me laugh at him and myself and our tryings and failings and long chats about feelings and our broken-heartedness. Winter was forever ago, but a) I never update this web log and b) some things are slow to change, despite the scenery. The context of a jumbled and manic Self is so goddamn constant!
My emotional life certainly was chaotic and less than healthy over the winter and spring. I used this time productively, however, in planning & executing a new life strategy: prudent seasonal nomadism. Here I am, working on a farm on an island. Who knew. Many of my worries did not follow me here, exactly according to plan. Success. Money is not an issue. Listlessness is not an issue. Depression is not an issue. I am feeling purpose-driven, inspired, and optimistic. Healthy in a variety of ways. Of course I am bogged down by a half-million daydreams, as well as a half-million other daydreams, but such is the condition of my wormy mind. Immediate needs are being fulfilled. Short-term plans are coming to fruition. Long-term plans are on the drawing board and my dry erase marker is working overtime. Life goals? Working on those, too. Lately I've been thinking in terms of "I am" rather than "I should."
Tour is happening. Europe is happening. Farming is happening.
Renaissance Plan is happening, although at a sightly slower pace than planned.
I have all the time in the world.
The first phase of my life was spent dithering, fucking off, nervously avoiding people and things and experiences and challenges, and generally failing at one half-hearted/disingenuous/purposeless endeavor after another.
Phase II is on. It is happening. I am happening.
Controlled burning for maximized regrowth is happening.
This is it.
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